Hard Faith
A Final Memoir
I dedicate this book to my friend, Rich Macharolli, and my friend and sister-in-law, Mary Beth Lopez. They both fought ALS, this insidious disease, with faith, courage, and hope; and in doing so, taught me about the power of God’s love.
Chapter 16
THREE WEEKS IN PERU
It’s a beautiful day in Fairfield County, Connecticut, on July 13, 2016: bright sunshine, clear blue sky and not a cloud to behold. It reminds me of when the world stopped turning on September 11, 2001. Now this might seem like a trite beginning to this story, even with the ironic reference to 9/11, but to use some well-worn clichés, the truth is stranger than fiction and it shall set you free. Miracles are strange, extraordinary, but also a simple matter of faith as small as a mustard seed.
I’m a month from retirement. Tebben has been living and working in Peru for 18 months. She just turned 25, and Jesse is turning 20 in August. He’s about to start a new job in the produce section of ShopRite. I surprise Paula after work that day by showing up for her graduate information session on campus. I know there’ll be free food and beverages. We get home around 8:00 that night, and I’m getting ready to barbeque when I notice a missed a call on WhatsApp from Vivian Baca Smith, one of Tebb’s housemates. My heart pauses for a small moment, and I tell Paula I’m calling Vivian back.
Vivian informs me that Tebb has been hit by a bus and is in Cuzco at Clínica Pardo. Tebb was in a meeting at a cervecería in Pachar, a small town in the Andes about 1o minutes from Ollantaytambo (Ollanta), where she has been living and working for Awamaki, a small non-profit that supports women artisans from the local indigenous Indian villages. She was with her friend, Jason Grover, an ex-Marine who had done a couple of tours in Iraq. He’s been struggling with his PTSD and has been sober for six months.
We’re all action; on the phone with Blue Cross/Blue Shield, conferencing with the clinic in Cusco. Paula is up all night booking a flight to Lima. All action. Teresa and my niece, Jacqueline, drive out from Long Island to be with us and drive us to the airport early the next morning.
We’re strong. We have a team. Vivian books us a hotel down the street from the hospital, Clínica Anglo Americana.
When we reach a time where there’s nothing else to do, at that moment, I feel the fracture in my heart, the pain and anguish. A baby cannot cry like a grown man.
God also puts it on my heart to fast until Tebben wakes up. We know that family and friends expect the worst. There’s no judgment from us, only love and understanding. Tebben was hit by a bus; another common cliché: “It could be worse. At least you didn’t get hit by a bus.” We have prayed our entire lives together for this moment. We have a choice and choose faith.
Through Social Media (Facebook and group texts), hundreds of people begin to pray.
July 13, 2016 Post from Vivian:
“After hit she was in and out for 10–15 min. once they put her in the ambulance she was unconscious. She has a compound arm fracture. She wasn’t bleeding a ton it was a head wound. Our landlord Juan knows the owner of the clinic and all the best doctors have been briefed on her condition. She’s getting a cat scan right now and we’re waiting for her to finish the scan. our friend Michelle a very experienced PA from the USA is with her in the scan.”
Tebben suffered a fractured skull, a compound fracture of her right wrist, a fractured pelvis and three broken ribs, all on the right side of her body. She and Jason had just gotten out of their meeting at approximately 5:00 pm. Tebben crossed the street (single lanes in each direction) and was waiting at the bus stop (as you can see from the photo below, this stop is just an elbow in the road against the side of a huge rock). Jason was on the opposite side of the road and had negotiated with a cab driver to take them back to Ollanta. He waved to Tebben to cross the street to the cab parked in the opposite lane. At the moment Tebben stepped onto the road to cross, a tourist bus swerved to the left to avoid hitting a car. The driver saw Tebb at the last minute and slammed on his brakes . . . too late to avoid hitting her.
After being struck, she was in and out of consciousness for ten to 15 minutes, spewing forth every curse word known to man. Jason was the first responder, which is the first moment of God’s Grace as he was field-trained in first aid and CPR. Another of Tebb’s friends, Michelle Glatt, upon hearing about the accident from Joe and Louisa, two of the owners of the cerveceria, called for a private ambulance, knowing local transportation could not make the two-hour drive to Cusco. Michelle is a physician’s assistant who works for Sacred Valley Health, a non-profit that trains community health workers living in Andean communities. Michelle rushed to Pachar to find a crowd at the accident scene, but all she could see was Tebben. She jumped into the ambulance as the EMTs lifted Tebb and placed her in the vehicle. The doctor recognized Michelle and nodded his head.
During the entire drive to Cusco, the doctor and Michelle work hard to keep Tebben comfortable, but they are both very worried. They dress the compound fracture to her right wrist, but there isn’t much they can do for her head injuries with what was available in the ambulance. Vivian and Michelle were coordinating on the phone during the transport. Michelle knew Tebb needed ID and proof of health insurance, so Vivian went to their house, found Tebb’s passport and our contact information, called us and left a message, all before the ambulance arrived in Cusco.
The bus driver and his family showed up at the clinic and stayed the entire time Tebb was there, asking what they could do. The driver was distraught. He had not been under the influence of drugs or alcohol. She was stabilized at the clinic, but they did not have the staff or equipment to treat her injuries. The plan was for her to be airlifted to a hospital in Lima the next day.
July 14, 2016 Posts:
“The start of the journey-
The minute Paula and I hear about Tebben’s accident we nail our hearts to the Cross, rest in our Faith and know she is safe and will fully recover. We immediately receive the Word from God- Exodus 14:14 and Jeremiah 29:11. It is the hardest and easiest thing we’ve ever done. Paula has nausea from the start. We get on the plane from Newark to Orlando. I’m sitting between Paula and Sheryl, who’s sitting on the aisle seat across from her husband. She is a middle-aged woman and is holding a book with a pamphlet on top titled ‘God’s Continuing Faithfulness’ by Charles Stanley. At that moment, I am struggling with fear and my heart is spiritually and physically broken. When I read these words, God speaks to me and reassures me of his mercy and grace. Sheryl notices that I see the pamphlet and hides it at the back of her novel. I have no idea who she is or what she believes but I know God plans to use her to bless us. About halfway through the flight, I introduce myself, explain our circumstances and tell her that God spoke to me when I saw what she was reading. She and her husband are spirit filled, faithful Christians and she and I share our testimonies, have fellowship and praise the Lord the rest of the flight. As the plane begins to descend, Sheryl says she wants to pray for us. I wake up Paula, who’s sleeping and still feeling sick. Sheryl begins and prays Jeremiah 29:11 into our journey. The instant she begins to pray and call upon the Lord’s name, Paula is healed of her nausea. This is how our trip begins (see story of PT John Angeles from time in clinic in Lima, as it pertains to Jeremiah 29:11.”
It’s a God start.
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Paula tells me later the reason she could sleep on the plane was because God reassured her with that verse the night before. Sheryl’s prayer was a second confirmation that Tebben was in God’s capable hands and would survive. The second of many. Jeremiah 29:11 was an anthem of sorts, heralded by angels sent to comfort us during this trial.
In Orlando we transfer to a flight to Lima and arrive in Peru at 10:45 pm. Vivian meets us at the airport. She’s the second of the ministering angels we’re destined to meet. She tells us that Tebben is still unconscious and was initially given Fentanyl for pain because of the compound fracture. They also started her on a drug that will reduce the brain swelling. The airport’s a beehive swarm- ing with people. After we convert some cash into soles, we get into the taxi that Vivian pre-booked. It’s like being in a movie, balancing between fear and faith.
It’s around midnight, and a radio news broadcast is playing. Vivian interprets and tells us there’s been a terrorist attack, and the Eiffel Tower is ablaze. It’s of no consequence to us. It’s later determined that the Tower caught fire accidentally but was at first thought to be connected to the 19-ton cargo truck that was delib- erately driven into crowds of people celebrating Bastille Day on the Promenade des Anglais in Nice, France, that day, resulting in the deaths of 86 people and the injury of 458 others. It was just another day in our new upside-down world.
We arrive at the Grand Hotel Betsy at around 1:00 am on July 15. Tebben would arrive at Clinica Americana later that morning. There’s a lot of dogs barking early that morning, as if they sense our fears. We sleep some and for me, the hotel café becomes the weeping place. I am inconsolable, uncontrollable in mind and body, thinking about the moment of impact on her body, her mind, and I weep and sob and feel my heart dissecting, and Paula is strong and somehow never sheds a tear the entire trip. Each morning thereafter that first week, I swim in tears of prayer.
We’re met at Clinica Americana by the president and owner of the hospital, a friend of Juan’s father, who assures us of the best of care. At 1:45 pm the airlift from Cusco, carrying Tebben, Juan, and Michelle departs for Lima. Juan managed to arrange for a private jet from Cusco to Lima, which was amazing, as they are difficult to come by in rural Peru.
It lands at approximately 3:00 pm and arrives at the clinic an hour later. We see the ambulance from a second-floor lobby window as it pulls up to the emergency room. We run down to the street in time to be there when they remove Tebb from the ambulance. She looks so small and fragile lying on the stretcher, like a baby swaddled in a blanket. She’s intubated and has multiple IVs attached, still unconscious. The only visible part of her body is her closed eyes. Paula and I hold each other tight as they wheel our baby into the ER.
As Tebben is swept into the emergency room, we meet Juan and Michelle for the first time. As she enters the ER, Tebb is surrounded by an army of professionals ready to take care of her, and Michelle, who’s been on guard the entire time, is overjoyed that Tebb is in a place that can properly care for her injuries. I ask Michelle if we can enter the room to pray. She walks in, asks the treatment team if this was ok and instantly each doctor and nurse put their gloved hands together at their chest and took a giant step backward, giving Paula and I the space to walk right in, lay hands on Tebben and pray. Amazingly, she doesn’t look too beat up.
Tebben’s placed in the ICU, which has very strict rules on visiting, the first being only one visitor at a time, wearing scrubs and a face mask, the second being very limited visiting hours. They eventually break that rule for us and allow 24-hour access. They make exceptions to a lot of the rules for us, as guided by the Holy Spirit. The hospital is immaculately clean. There are housekeeping staff buzzing around like drones, vacuuming, mopping, and wiping everything down 24/7. This is a good sign. There’s a cleansing atmosphere over the hospital, which was founded by British missionaries in the 1920s.
July 15, 2016 Social Media Posts:
“Tebben Gill Lopez is sleeping right now. Initial prognosis is favorable. Spent a powerful time praying over her- praying in the spirit and God’s prophetic words over her temple and the atmosphere in her room and this hospital that was founded by British missionaries in the 1920s- 1 Peter 2:24, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Isaiah 40: 29-31, Ezekiel 14:14, Philippians 1:6. Read these verses into your prayers for Tebben.
No bleeding on the brain-swelling going down, no femur break, no internal injuries, breaks all manageable.
She’s sleeping- all drugged up because she’s agitated, which is good, and they don’t want her to stress the breaks, particularly the pelvis.
The sedative, combined with the drug directly involved in reducing the brain swelling have her unconscious but they are reducing the sedative gradually.
The blessings just keep coming. We just met a mother and son outside Tebben’s room, who told us that the neurosurgeon who is caring for Tebben has a great healing anointing in addition to his skill and he recently performed a miraculous surgery on a young girl and saves her life. We gave thanks and prayed together for Tebben and their father/husband, a miraculous stroke survivor!
Paula’s text: I just spoke to Dr. Hinojosa the neurosurgeon. I was in with Tebb and he came in. What he told me is nothing short of miraculous. He said she has NO bleeding on the brain and NEGLIGIBLE TO NO SWELLING. I asked him three times to clarify but he didn’t waver. So the plan is to wean her off the sedative tomorrow so she can wake up, see her status, and figure out next steps. The trick is finding the right meds to allow her to come ‘back to reality’ while making her comfortable pain-wise. We are now believing specifically for a good pain-free awakening and a good cognitive assessment. So as has been the case, keep your prayers coming. They make all the difference.”
A team of prayer warriors is beginning to grow. Our niece, Danielle, sets up a Facebook page; Paula and I start group text messages, and I write numerous public Facebook posts. There will soon be hundreds of people from all over the world following our journey and praying into our trial. Tebben is agitated, fighting the drugs preventing her from placing stress on the fractures, particularly her pelvis.
July 16th was an amazing day. Interchangeably, Paula and I are able to spend five hours with Tebb, most of the time praying in the Spirit and singing hymns and Psalms. Tebben begins to struggle and fight into her healing as they slowly reduced the sedative. During one of my visits, she does a crunch, raising up both knees and lifting her head off the pillow. I see her pain but more the intensity in her face; being healed but in a hurry, inpatient and frustrated, the same Tebben we’ve always known. Toward the end of that visit, she sits halfway up, opens her eyes and sees me. Praise the Lord! They decide to let Paula and I visit together. At one point, Paula says, “Open your eyes honey,” and she immediately responds and looks at us. Later in the evening, when Tebb’s once again wrestling with her pain and frustration, she nearly sits upright in bed, and when Paula asks, “Are you in pain?” she nods her head up and down in affirmation. It’s hard to watch her suffer and see her frustration but a greater blessing to see more evidence of her healing.
That day we speak with the facial surgeon who examined Tebb. He tells us that she may not need surgery on her right cheek, but he would have to reevaluate in two weeks. He also tells us that her eyes are responding well to light (we have already seen evidence of that) and that she will be evaluated by an ophthalmologist. After he leaves we lay hands on Tebb’s face and pray for her complete healing. Every day we lay hands on the injured parts of her body and pray for a healing. Before we leave, the nurses ask Paula if she can stay because they see how well Tebb responds to her.
July 17 and another morning of anguish in my heart and soul. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I sit in the cafeteria of our hotel and picture Tebben in her hospital bed. I think of the moment of impact when the bus broke her body, and I feel the impact on my heart. I read my Bible and receive: “For God who said, ‘Let light come from darkness’, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the Glory of God in the face of Christ.” 2 Corinthians 4:6. It’s the same light spoken into existence that is in us in Christ! Beyond understanding. “For the secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and our children forever.” Deuteronomy 29:29
Encouraged, I visit Tebb that afternoon, mostly singing to her. I joke with the prayer warriors on social media about my beautiful voice, which worries me because Tebb might think it was an angel singing to her. Dr. Hinijosa tells Paula that although the X-rays taken in Cuzco showed lesions on her brain, his X-rays show none. He tells us they may wake her up tonight or tomorrow, at which time they will remove the breathing tube and start talking to her to test her cognitive functioning. Then we’re alone again. I am overjoyed and say, “Tebb, look at me,” and she opens her eyes and looks into mine! She’s now basically responding to us and her friends by opening her eyes when someone calls her name and raising her eyebrows as an expression of surprise.
On July 18, Tebben is still coming down from the sedation, so she’s in and out of consciousness. They tell us to talk to her, and Paula goes on for hours but especially catches her attention and opens her eyes when she tells her that: She’s going to be the next new superhero— TEBBEN, they should get new matching tattoos saying AMAZING GRACE . . . Idris Elba called and he’s leaving his wife for her (she actually tries to laugh but still has a breathing tube in so Paula knows she needs to tone it down), She wants to climb into bed with her and watch Tarzan (Tebben smiles), Jesse sends his love and is praying for her, Her eyebrows look great, are her friends Rosanna and Isabel helping her with them?, It’s uncle Mich’s birthday.
Paula also asks her some yes/no questions which she re- sponds to with nods. She tells her she’s a rock star and asks, “Are you feeling me?” She nods yes. She asks if she’s surprised to see us; she nods no. Paula also gives her a neurological status exam and she responds accordingly. She tells her to blink, squeeze her hand, nod yes and no. She also has an x-ray taken of her wrist, which means they’re getting closer to performing surgery, and they tell us that the breathing tube will be removed the following day.
Paula sends out this message to the hundreds of prayer warriors on vigil: “Pls keep ur prayers coming. They make all the difference. We’re trusting Jesus for a night of supernatural PEACE & REST as she continues to come down og the drugs and they find the right balance for her pain meds. This is her theme verse God gave me that I pray over her constantly. Jeremiah 29:11 ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ Please join me in this prayerful refrain. love you all.”
Tebben’s breathing tube is removed, and she becomes fully engaged . . . talking and understanding what is happening to her and what’s going on! Praise the Lord! I sent this message out:
“And these signs will accompany those who believe:” Mark 16:17 Now get this! Tebben was hit by a tourist bus and came away with barely a scratch on her beautiful skin, no brain damage and so far requiring only one operation to repair the compound fracture on her arm. We are witnessing Holy Spirit Wolverine healing through the Blood of Christ—a miracle.”
On July 19, Paula spends the morning talking to Tebb. It’s hard for her to speak at first because the tube removal left her throat very sore. After a while she understands and answers Paula’s questions with yes/no, or repeating what she said. Eventually, they have a conversation: “Do you know who I am?” “You’re my mom.” (like “duh”). She asks Paula what the box is at the bottom of the bed with all the wires coming out of it and tells her the phone is ringing again (it was one of the machines she was hooked up to). At one point she looks worried because she realizes she was in a bad accident. Paula tells her, “You were asleep for 4–1/2 days, but you’re 500% better than when you arrived in Lima and 200% better than yesterday and 100% better then when we came in this morning till now. I promise you’re going to be perfect again soon.” Tebben replies, “I’m so happy to hear that.”
We have to leave Tebb’s bedside because the nurse comes to prep her for surgery. We spent most of the day with her. It was a great day but as she became more aware, the realization of what happened settled in and caused her to be a bit discouraged. We ask for prayers of encouragement and hope. Her wrist starts to hurt her badly at one point so the surgery can’t come soon enough. She’s slated to be in surgery for 2–3 hours. We ask for prayer for the surgeon’s hands to be steady and able after a long day, the anesthesiologist to be brilliant, for Tebb to be without pain before, during, and after, and for everything to continue to go better than expected. Surgery begins at 11pm. The primary surgeon, we learn, is one of the preeminent wrist surgeons in the world (of course he is).
Surgery finishes at 1:30am. The waiting room is empty except for us. We rush to the door to the operating area when it opens, and we speak to the surgeons. The surgery was successful. Super surgeon uses his phone to show us pictures of Tebb’s wrist before and after surgery. They removed the broken bone protruding from her wrist, filled the area with bone mortar (compound from corpses) and braced it with titanium rods on both sides. She will have full use of her wrist after an extended rehabilitation. She did great with the anesthesia. We shared:
“Surgery on wrist (compound fracture) successful.”
Update from Paula: “Tebben’s catheter is now out. Hallelujah❣️Her pelvic fracture doesn’t require surgery. Her facial fracture doesn’t require surgery although the surgeon said he could fix the barely perceptible indent in her upper cheekbone. It’ll be her call. She is resting well but still pretty out of it bc of the pain meds she needs to feel comfortable with her wrist. The neurosurgeon said she can travel as early as one week but that would be by transport to another hospital in the US – probably Houston. We’re still figuring it out. Full restoration and healing will take between 4–6 months. THAT AINT NOTHIN!!! Praise JESUS ❣️Pls continue healing prayers for NO PAIN so drugs can be lessened, finger movement for circulation in wrist and hand, full consciousness and short term memory intact again. Thank u to all GODS ANGELS out there❣️We couldn’t do this without ur prayers.”
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Exodus 14:14. This is the prophetic word over all of us now. So, the morning after surgery, Tebben has some pain in her wrist. We pray that Jesus takes it from her, and when I ask her, “Tiene dolor?” she an- swers, “un poco.” Thank you Jesus. Thereafter, Tebben has a nice lunch of chicken broth, orange, and some Jell-O.
7/20/16 Social Media Updates:
“Tebben just moved the fingers on her right hand on her own! Philippians 4:13
Tebben just moved all of her fingers at the same time to try to make a fist! Fist of healing fury!”
“She just wiggled all of her fingers!”
“No matter how many promises God has made they are yes in Christ and so through Him the amen is spoken by us to the Glory of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:20. As you have been reading about, God has kept all his promises to us and our family about his mercy and grace. Pray that today, He lift Tebben Gill Lopez out of the morphine cloud, and she is moved to a regular hospital room where they will allow the three of us to stay for the remainder of her hospital stay. Can I get an amen!”
Amen. To see movement that quickly after surgery inspires us and the formation of a fist symbolizes Tebb’s fighting spirit. It also speaks to the fighting to come on different battlefields: each other, our fears, the world and the enemy.
7/21/16 Social Media Posts:
“As Tebb emerges into more focused awareness, there have been some battles with fear and confusion as a result of the powerful egects of the narcotics and her reality. Regardless, she has found strength in the name of Jesus, prayer and his word. Last night we prayed James 4: 7,8 and 1 John 4:4. Please read these verses out loud and pray them into Tebben today.”
“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest.” Luke 19:38 We read this during the morning reading and praised Him. Be in His Word and receive His strength.”
From Paula:
“Today was another good day. Another day of firsts. For the first time since the accident Tebb: ate two solid food meals (albeit tiny bites, but slow and steady wins the race), had the longest periods of consciousness that she’s had (attributed to no more morphine), used a bedpan, engaged with the physical therapist – moving her fingers on her right hand on command to stimulate the healing of her wrist (Daniel the PT was very pleased with the decreased inflammation in her fingers due to the fairly ongoing massaging that Ray and I did all day). Tebb’s still groggy but not like she was. Every day is better and we are SO GRATEFUL TO GOD and the prayers of the saints (all of you). Praise Jesus ❣️Three highlights of my day: 1) An older weathered Limanan woman was sitting in the corner of our waiting room camp, her grandson was in an accident. She asked Tebb’s friend Isabel why we were there. Isabel shared in Spanish. The woman replied that she couldn’t sleep last night because of her grandson’s accident so she prayed all night long. The wise woman said “God is SO good. He gives us evidence of his greatness and He doesn’t leave us alone.” I took that to mean that He pokes and prods us with His encouraging presence because that’s what He’s been doing since the second we found out about Tebb’s accident. The next moment after Isabel translated the woman’s words I got a text from my sister Carla with a link to a blog post. Contained in the post was this verse from Isaiah: “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear, I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13). Brought me to tears of joy. It’s Tebb’s right wrist that is broken and caused her excruciating pain at times. 2) I bought some fresh beet, pear, lemon, apple & ginger juice and Tebb indicated she wanted to have some. I asked the head nurse for permission to let her have some and she said yes. Tebb was giddy with excitement at the prospect of sipping some fresh juice. 3) Lunch today was a delight. It was just me and Tebb and we had an extended time of conscious conversation. She was smiling and understanding more and more. Pls continue to pray for clearance out of ICU into a regular room tomorrow, for a medical transport flight home to CT and against the negative egects of the anesthesia (she’s was a little anxious tonight). We’re meditating on Exodus 14:14 – The Lord your God will fight for you, you need only be still. ❤️💟 Thank you for all your love.”
“Amazing Grace. So all understand how God is working here. I know you have all been keeping track of Tebben’s progress. In answer to the prayers she is really waking up today, which creates more challenges for us all. Everyone knows she is a fighter and can be a little impatient at times. She is ready to go to the next step! Today, while her PT, John Eric Angeles, was working with her fingers, she was experiencing some significant pain and Tebb and I prayed that Jesus take her pain. This released John and he began to prophecy into her life, specifically Jeremiah 29:11, about the plans God has for prospering her. This is the same verse that Sheryl prayed over us on the plane from Newark to Orlando. John told Tebb that he and his wife are praying for her every day, and we prayed together before he left. “Aren’t all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation.” Hebrews 1:14. So all understand.”
At this point we almost need to create a chart to document all the dots God is connecting for us.
From Paula:
“Today was another good day. 🙏🏽 Entering the ICU I met Dr. Torres Marquez the neurologist who is the point dr. for Tebb’s care. He was not entirely thrilled with her progress and said he needed her to eat more and use the bedpan (with assistance of course). I was not happy hearing he was not thrilled, as I was extremely thrilled with her progress. The doctor ordered MRIs to check her pelvis and head. When I arrived in Tebb’s room around 9am she was awake and engaged for about 4 hours, fell sound asleep for about a 1/2 hour and I had to wake her up to eat lunch. I hated to do it but she wasn’t going to be able to eat for 8 hours before her MRIs at 9pm so she had to eat at noon or not until 10pm. Tebb was up for the remainder of the day talking a blue streak and entertaining her friend, Laura, who arrived today from Ollanta. Laura works and lives with Tebb. Tebben was still a little frustrated bc she is not able to remember things especially in immediate short-term memory. But at one point in the late afternoon a switch flipped when she with only Ray and I and though her short term memory is still elusive, she took an entirely digerent stance. In a metaphysical dissertation she shared that she was going to change from being a victim to whom things were happening to an empowered observer of her experience. Instead of focusing on what she can’t do, she decided to focus on what she can do. Our mouths were agape in awe. So what she can do today that she couldn’t yesterday: 1) eat almost all her eggs for breakfast 2) eat a piece of buttered bread by herself with her left hand 3) engage more fully in PT by opening and closing her fingers on her right hand 4) use the bedpan 5) stay awake in conscious conversation all day 6) accept and be with her circumstances. Given the progress she made today the doctor gave permission to move out of ICU into her new room tonight after the MRIs but recommended she sleep one more night in ICU and move tomorrow. It was Tebben’s call and she agreed. Hallelujah!!! God is SO GOOD❣️Pls pray for good MRI reports so we can move to the next step in her healing. She’s in having the MRI now. Tebben is “SO BORED.” She wants to gets up and move around. Pls pray she can do that soon bc she’s getting a little feisty – miraculously bordering on obnoxious. To God be ALL HONOR, PRAISE and GLORY. Thank u Lord Jesus for bringing us back our little girl. 🙏🏽✨✨💜💜 Therefore I tell you whatever you ask for in pray, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. -Mark 11:24 ❤️💟
“So, Paula is halfway through drafting the next update (it’s been a great day), but I must share that we spent the greater part of the afternoon listening as Tebben orated her doctoral dissertation on meta-physics and the collective unconscious as they connect to interpersonal relationships and mindfulness. It was quite a bit beyond my intellect but I did absorb parts of it. I’m not kidding. I wish I recorded it.”
The 21st is a miraculous day. To see Tebben being healed by her own faith is a blessing. To see her mind working at such a high level in spite of her TBI is powerful. She built a bridge between the physical and metaphysical, crossed that spiritual bridge into her future and saw the healing of her mind and body! God’s continuing faithfulness is evident in Tebb’s physical therapist, John Angeles, who brought us back to where we began our journey when he prayed Jeremiah 29:11 into Tebb’s life, while healing her wounded hand: “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord . . . ”
7/22/16 Posts:
“Another prophetic word of God, this one a word of wisdom through Tebben Gill Lopez. The other night she was telling Paula and I about how she helped Jesus care for the unborn babies. Her prophetic PT, John Eric Angeles, who prayed a prophetic word through Jeremiah 29:11 into her life and His plans to prosper her, told me this morning that his ✨💜🙏🏽✨💜❤️💟 wife, Catherine, is pregnant with their first child, Nathan, who will become a missionary. At that moment, God made it clear that Tebben was praying for Nathan, their unborn baby. This is Holy Spirit/prophetic PT. We end each ses- sion in prayer. We prayed for God’s plans for Tebben and Nathan. “
“This is the cleanest hospital I have ever been in. There are people cleaning every nook and cranny-24/7. I think they might be cyborgs. I’ll check with Tebben Gill Lopez. She would most certainly know if this is the case and where they fall on the time warp continuum.”
“Tebben left the ICU today and the 3 of us are now sharing a private room together in the hospital. Thank you Jesus.”
Things are happening fast. The supernatural becomes natural in the space between us, where we connect through faith and the Holy Spirit.
7/23/16 Posts
From Paula:
“Elaborating on Ray’s update-TODAY WAS ANOTHER GOOD DAY. The room is way larger than our hotel room was, smells way better, friends can hang out with her, we’re no longer paying for a hotel BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY we get to be with Tebb through the night to calm some of her residual anxiety from meds and trauma. PRAISE JESUS❣️Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
-John 14:27
Tebben has been walking to the bathroom ( a few feet from her bed) , con ayuda de sus padres, and she just took a shower! More to come. Philippians 4:13”
7/24/16”She’s back with us again. Amen. Thank you for the prayers. The IV is out-no more antibiotics. One more positive step forward. Tebben has been sugering throughout the night and into this morning with delirium and paranoia, a side egect of the morphine that swam through her body when she was sedated. Please pray for her healing and deliverance.
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of love, power and self discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Tebb is obsessed with three things: eating, going to the bathroom, and messing with her IV. She wants to go to the bathroom every five minutes and tells us it will only take “a hot second.” I have never heard this expression before but I’m beginning to understand what it means. It’s dangerous for her to get up, which is why she has a bedpan that we help her to use. But in the next few minutes she wants to go the bathroom “please for a hot second.” We tell her no; use the bedpan. A few minutes after breakfast she asks when we’re going to have lunch and keeps asking every five or ten minutes. She keeps pulling at the bandages around the IV in her right wrist and late one night she eventually rips it out with her teeth when Paula dozed off for a second. Fortunately, it was coming out that day anyway, and we are all very much relieved about that. It’s one less thing.
The attacks come at night. Tebb wants to get up and use the bathroom “please just for a hot second.” We are exhausted and trying to get some sleep. It’s a small room with a recliner and a very hard couch. Paula gets in bed with Tebb but needs help because Tebb is delirious. She doesn’t recognize us. “Who are you People? What are you doing to me? Why are you in my bed?” We have her trapped between us. I am at the bottom of the bed and Paula at the top. We are using our legs and arms to stop Tebb from jumping out of bed and hurting herself. She is strong and fights us. She bites my arm! As dawn creeps in through the crack at the bottom of the shades, we are exhausted from wrestling with the enemy all night, but we are safe, unharmed, and we have peace; we have victory.
7/25/16 Posts
“Another digcult night but better than last night- no night ter- rors/confusion only anger and frustration. Paula is very tired. We are going to try to walk with Tebben a bit today. Yesterday Tebb had a wonderful time with her friends-much laughter. The physical healing is powerful and wonderful to behold. Tebben needs to regain her strength and energy. We are at a point where we will be focusing more directly on getting home. An update in the prophetic spiritual realm to follow. Three thousand words- down the hall and back-Tebben is bad ass!
I mentioned how blessed we are by Tebb’s prophetic PT, John Angeles. When Tebben was sedated in ICU last week, John told me that he and his wife are expecting their first child, Nathan, who has been in his mother’s womb for y months. He said they are praying that he become a missionary. Today after PT, Tebben prayed for John in Espanol and prayed for the protection of their son who will be a great missionary. A word of wisdom to bless John and his wife Catherine. “Follow the way of love and eagerly desire gifts of the Spirit, especially prophecy.” -1 Corinthians 14:1”
7/26/16 Post
“So. The hospital has been in touch with Blue Cross/Blue Shield and here is the Mexican Standog/Catch 22- Although Tebben would qualify for medical evacuation at this time due to her physical and mental health conditions (Post Traumatic Delirium) it is not covered by our policy unless she needs treatment that can’t be provided by the hospital. Such medical transport would costs 000s of thousands of dollars I’m sure. The hospital is trying to work with the insurance company to explore coverage for medical evacuation but it’s a chess match balancing between the insurance business and the ethics/honest integrity of the medical providers. Please pray for God to connect the dots for all the players to result in immediate medical transport to the States that is fully covered by Blue Cross/BlueShield.”
7/27/16
“Oh! And I forgot to mention an awesome visit from Louisa! And let me thank God for the army of Ollanta Ex-Pats, ministering Angels, who have helped us in immeasurable ways: Jason Grover, Vivian Smith Baca, Michelle Gatt, Juan Mayorga, his father, “Lolo,” Rosanna Giorlandino, aka “Rosa,” Isabel Eskin Shapson, Laura Brokaw and the prayers of all those in the Ollanta family. We love you forever. Another tough night for Tebben. Paula and I had to literally sit in bed with her until 3:30am to prevent her from tearing og her soft caste and going to the bathroom continuously every y minutes. This is with 1.5 mg of Klonipin, which is not working. However, she seemed less fearful and angry.
Some of my observations from Peru: all the women are beautiful and less than .05 percent of the population smokes. ALSO, TEBBEN’S WOLVERINE HEALING CONTINUES. TOMORROW SHE GETS THE STITCHES REMOVED FROM HER ARM. WHAT? THAT’S RIGHT. YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY. SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO PUT PRESSURE ON HER RIGHT WRIST FOR A FEW DAYS. WE’VE BEEN STRESSING ABOUT IT BUT THE ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON SAID IT WAS FINE. AND REMEMBER THE BROKEN RIBS? IF ANYONE HAS SUFFERED THE SAME SAY AMEN IF YOU RECALL THE PAIN FELT WITH EVERY BREATH. NOT A MENTION OF PAIN FROM TEBBEN. I BET IF WE TOOK ANOTHER X-RAY WE WOULD FIND NOTHING. ANOTHER GOOD DAY AFTER A LONG NIGHT’S JOURNEY. ANOTHER 200 FOOT WALK DOWN THE HALLWAY, WALKS AROUND OTHER PARTS OF THE CLINICA AND A WHEELCHAIR RIDE OUTSIDE INTO THE COURTYARD TO CELEBRATE THE FIRST TIME WE’VE SEEN THE SUN SINCE WE’VE BEEN HERE. IT’S 7:00 PM IN LIMA AND WE WILL BE EXPERIENCING NEW MEDICATION TONIGHT. PLEASE PRAY FOR US. ALSO, THANKS TO THE LOVE AND SUPPORT OF FAMILY, PLANS FOR OUR RETURN TO CT ARE WELL UNDERWAY! Did I just write the majority of this update in CAPS? As if the words are not powerful enough on their own. How annoying?”
7/28/16 Post
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.” Exodus14:14 How do we receive this? Stop it. Whatever you are doing and/ thinking and just breath-recite the verse again and again in your mind, in your heart meditate, make it your mantra. There are many but this verse has been the lifesaver in the middle of the vast stormy sea. A quick update on Paula and myself. She has been Tebben’s lifesaver and I am in awe of the endless depth of her love and courage. My back is like one twisted spasmodic muscle and I have a full beard for the first time. God spoke to me on the morning Starbucks run. (I saw graffiti, “Trust God Even When His Answer is Wait”) on a wall near achurch on the rotary. It was written in English. We are under heavy attack right now in terms of Tebb’s mental health almost a perpetual state of anxiety/frustration- and she is also very week from the night terrors she experienced and the Klonopin we had to give. We are working with the doctors on finding meds that will work for her anxiety. Keep praying hard. Today started out a little rough but ended up being the best day, as Tebben came fully back to us for a few hours this afternoon. She was engaged in deep, rational thought and even saw that I was stressed and asked me if I was OK and if there was anything she could do for me. We also discussed with her our situation here and how it impacts on us and the rest of the family with respect to our plans to come home. She expressed compassion and concern for both Paula and myself and prayed a sweet prayer of healing and wisdom for us all. She spoke to her brother Jesse today and was thrilled! She also spoke to her Uncle Jon and her Cousin Hannah. Likewise, she couldn’t of been happier. Later, she cried tears of joy when she found out that her cousin Meredith is getting married, we will all be there and she is a bride’s maid. Her short term memory is still absent but her long term is good.”
The story behind this is one of pride and machismo. Klonopin has been a nightmare. It turns Tebben into Regan from The Exorcist. Paula has researched anti-psychotic meds and has spoken to her sister, Carla’s high school friend, Darren, who is a neurologist at Yale for the VA. Gathering and reviewing all the data, she finds a med we want to try. We’re having a consult with Dr. Torres, stand-in for Dr. Hinojosa who’s on vacation, through an interpreter, and when he understands that we’re questioning the use of Klonopin, he becomes angry. How dare we question his expertise and judgment! Finally, after some very tense uncomfortable minutes, his resident calms him down and he agrees to bring in a doctor from the psychiatric department for a consult. The psychiatrist is another angel. Her name is Carla Cortez. Carla agrees with Paula and Darren and prescribes Seroquel. She has a two-year old. Carla gives Paula her home number and tells her to call with any questions.
My mind explodes. It’s been two weeks since Tebb’s accident; she’s been awake since July 17, and they haven’t had her evaluated by a psychiatrist! Blue Cross/Blue Shield has already told me that Tebb would qualify for Medical Repatriation, but it is not covered under my basic policy. They also advise that exceptions can be made under extraordinary circumstances when the patient is not receiving adequate care. This missing piece is extraordinary, and BC/BS eventually agrees. This is another answer to prayer. God has provided a way. The catch is the lead physician also has to agree.
7/29/16 Posts
“Great night of mostly restful sleep for Tebben after an amazing afternoon/ evening the day before and a great morning so far, as we put together the final pieces for our return trip and I set a lifetime PR with 85 push-ups on my first set this morning. So, the plot takes another turn. I just got og the phone with another nurse from BC/ BS, and he advised that although it is not covered under our policy, Dr. Subeh’s recommendation is air ambulance repatriation with a medical nurse. This will be discussed further, Doctor to Doctor between Subeh and Hinijosa this afternoon. This recommendation of course will have to be approved by the bullshit department but this is a complete 180 from the original medical recommendation.
It’s been a great day for Tebb. We sang a medley of rock songs together, took over the entire clinic by walking and rocking the wheelchair, laughed and Paula and me cut through a lot of the bullshit. I’ve been in touch with Laura Lynne from Gaylord Rehab in Wallingford, CT and BC/BS (bull crap/ bullshit) medical stag. The doctor to doctor conversation is hopefully happening as write this post and all medical records will be emailed by tomorrow morning. PRAY WE HAVE ANOTHER GOOD NIGHT. Catching some rays outside Starbucks in Lima. I don’t see anybody else sitting around here bare chested. Some other observations from Lima-8:00 am really means 8:30–9:00; there is a layer of dust over everything, but this problem is more prevalent in the mountain regions, such as Ollanta; pigeons rule in Lima-they are deadly to other birds.
It’s always such a blessing when God answers our prayers in such a timely way. BC/BS is ready to pay for the repatriation. Hinijosa just has to sign off. They do it all the time, or so I’ve been told. I know I have been a bear during this time. I look the part with my beard hanging down about six inches from my chin. All the men in Lima are meticulously groomed. I have fought to gather the records. They must come through the lead physician, which is Hinijosa or his partner, Dr. Torres. They are difficult to get a hold of. Torres has been angry and prideful. I learn that he has been angry since his young daughter died ten years ago. I pray for his peace. I go back and forth with BC/BS, but God is always in control. I’m on the phone with Dr. Subeh when Hinijosa walks onto the floor. I approach him. Our limited abilities in Spanish and English are enough for me to explain the circumstances, and I hand him my phone. All he has to do is agree with Subeh and off we go. He doesn’t but it doesn’t matter. We surrender.
7/30/16 Posts
“Tebben read all the messages today. A great night for Tebb. She woke up at 11:30 and 2:30 to use the bathroom and went back to bed without a whimper. Our repatriation medical escort flight lands at JFK at 22:00 on Monday, 8/1 and we should be home in Shelton after midnight.”
7/31/16 Posts
“A few more observations about Lima. Classic cars are rare- mostly newer Hondas, Nissans, Kias, Hyundai’s, etc…the same as in the US; people aren’t sure what side of the sidewalk they want to walk on; family is everything there is much love here- God is everywhere-God is love- 1 Corinthians 13:8- look it up and read it! Esto Es esto. Good restful night for Tebb and we all slept in until around 8. Homeward Bound in motion. Tebb is really focused on her desire to get home, which makes her sad because it can’t happen sooner. Pray for peace for us all. Also in motion is the Peru push-up movement. Ordinarily, today is my Sabbath but based on the number of people I hear from who are now doing push-ups, which is certainly secondary to those who are praying and reading their Bibles like never before, God freed me to work out today and I set a new PR with 95 push-ups on my first set. So, to join in the movement and receive His strength, join me at 5:00 am today (4:00 am for those on EST) to crank out 3 sets of maximum reps per set. I will be leaving 100 on the ground in Lima on my 1st set. Read Philippians 4:13 and 2 Corinthians 12:9.”
I did 100 pushups!
8/1/16 Post
“Tebben, Paula & Ray safely on 2nd flight. Departed San Salvador a few minutes ago and scheduled to arrive in JFK ~10PM. AV570. –p”
8/2/16 Post
“We’re home.”
I never return to the office and am officially retired from federal law enforcement on August 31, 2016. I am Tebb’s physical therapist, and we work together every morning. I am a slave driver, and she is a Spartan—a perfect match. At this point she has no memory of the accident, which is a blessing and scary at the same time. Her pre-accident memories of Peru are very cloudy, but if I show her a photograph she can tell me where it was taken and who is in the photo. The images trigger her memories of the stories that go with the pictures. She still doesn’t know what happened. She knows she was in a bad accident in Peru and lives with her injuries daily. But she hasn’t asked for details yet, and I’m praying for the right moment and words to explain. We’ve been home about two weeks when I receive an epiphany from the Lord on how to explain to Tebb what happened to her: “Hey Tebb.” “Yeah.” “You know how people say, ‘at least you didn’t get hit by a bus,’ to put things in perspective by saying that whatever it is they’re dealing with it’s not the worst thing that could’ve happened?” “Yeah.” (her tone is now hesitant and suspicious). “Well . . . you got hit by a bus.” And that’s how she found out, and so it goes.
Summary
My third memoir describes my struggles and growing maturity as a Christian, husband, father, and probation officer. It tells of the difficulties in the church and trying to hear God’s voice in declaring the plans he has for us. I leave the Baptist church after fifteen years and start serving in an independent, nondenominational church that is pursuing the gifts of the Holy Spirit, especially prophecy. It covers the our lives as double-income, professional parents and the challenging experiences while raising our children. It explores the impact of 9/11. It takes the reader on some incredible journeys, like when me and my wife, Paula, traveled to Peru to be with our daughter who was in a coma after being hit by a tourist bus. We experienced many miracles in Peru, most significantly, our daughter’s survival and healing. It covers my mother’s stroke and the deaths of both of my parents, focusing on how God uses all things for our good (Rom 8:28) and brings us closer together. The book travels through my retirement as a federal law enforcement officer and my struggles with depression, and ends with the death of my sister-in-law from ALS at the age of fifty-four.
Foreword by Paula
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. ~ H E B R E WS 1 1 : 1 K J V
If Hope is the thing with feathers,(Dickinson, The Complete Poems of Emily Dickenson) Faith is the thing with deep roots in firm fertile ground.
Faith ignites the Spirit like a colossal kaleidoscope on a fourth of July night.
Faith trusts that cold gray February days will unfurl in buds that herald spring.
There are faith testers and there are faith builders. In our life, we have experienced both. Some of which you will read about in this book.
Faith believes that seemingly impossible things are possible.
Faith is the glue that has held our marriage together for 40 years.
Lately, when I think about the life Ray has lived, the events that have led him—us—to this moment, I think about Queen Esther and the words of her Uncle Mordecai.
“And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14 ESV
For such a time as this.
Looking back, it is much easier to see how the cliff-hugging, zigzagging, high and low, sometimes dead-end road got us here. God writes straight with crooked lines.
Ask the Dean who expelled Ray in high school if he thought Ray would end up where he is now; I suspect he would laugh in disbelief.
Ask the same of Mr. Spofford, beloved high school math teacher; he would smile knowingly. He had faith.
“for we live by faith, not by what we see with our eyes.”~
Ray’s life experiences reveal a constant tension between light and darkness. While God always encourages potential; the devil is right there to tempt and seduce.
Racism throughout elementary, middle and high school;
descension into substance induced nightmares beginning at age eleven;
obsession with lifting weights like his life depended on it;
a short stint in jail as a precursor to spending his 19th birthday in a psychiatric hospital.
For such a time as this.
Being granted early release from probation to relocate;
escaping from NY to connect with his roots in southern California;
reimagining his Hispanic heritage as a source of pride rather than impediment;
graduating with his BA and then his MA in English at UC Berkeley facilitating his remarkable hire as a US Probation Officer.
For such a time as this.
But the devil does not give up, which is why we’re instructed:
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith ~1 Peter 5:8-9 NKJV
The devil has had designs on Ray his whole life. But God’s protection has been ever-present. In this, Ray’s third book, you can see God’s hand clearly, more so than in his first or even second book. But just as God never gives up on us, the devil never stops trying to recruit us.
Be sober. Be vigilant. Always. For such a time as this.
I’ve borne witness to the after-midnight paralysis resulting from tormentors that have pursued Ray throughout his life. But they never followed him into the daylight.
Mandatory retirement at age 57 was much too soon;
losing his beloved dad suddenly before he was ready;
debilitated by grief – unable to get out of bed – to function;
thinking about ending the anguish unspeakably.
“Get out of bed,” I finally told him angrily, impatiently. “I never thought you, of all people, would give up. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT.”
I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. ~Luke 10:19 NIV
For such a time as this.
In his retirement, Ray started a private business as a federal sentencing consultant. The business divinely morphed into death penalty mitigation. Given his own background, Ray effortlessly builds a unique rapport with his clients, “connecting with the hardcore —one at a time,” as was prophesied many years ago. “Evangelist, evangelist, evangelist.” All the emotional discomfort, unkindness, and self-destruction facilitates relationships with men, some barely men, in prison who are eligible for the death penalty. They sense Ray understands and some part of him is like them.
For such a time as this.
Using Ray’s life experiences and malleability, God created a man who, in the midst of worldly distractions, is devoted to Jesus. I say emphatically, Ray lives his faith out loud. LOUDLY out loud.
God uses all things for the good of those who are called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28
IF WE LET HIM.
For such a time as this.
God has led him here, getting paid by the government as a mitigation specialist. Meeting men in orange jumpsuits for sacred,appointments. Sharing who he is and whose he is.
Ray’s mantra these days and the primary mission of his life can be found in Romans 10:
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~Romans 10:9
Everything Ray experienced—what’s in and left out of his books— has laid a foundation for him to do his real work. In the five years since Ray retired, ten of his clients have given their life to Christ in prison.
Positioned by God. For such a time as this.
We love to listen to a song co-written and sung by Dolly Parton and Zach Williams. The words narrate Ray’s life journey and that of many of us.
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I’ve been and where I’m going
Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it
There was Jesus
In the best of times, faith shouts, “Thank you, Jesus!”
In the worst of times, faith whimpers in stillness, knowing He is God.
In ALL times, faith must be active.
Hard [tough, challenging, undeniable, unbreakable, true] faith.
Reviews
“Hard Faith is the often turbulent, sometimes tragic but always life-affirming story of Ray Lopez: probation officer, record breaking weightlifter, recovered addict, loving husband and father. His is a story about the power of faith to overcome our greatest obstacles, to persist against all odds, and, in persisting, find both meaning and redemption in our lives. Told with power, insight, wisdom, and grace, this memoir is a work of serious importance, and Lopez is among the finest Christian writers of our time.“
–James Brown, author of The Los Angeles Diaries, Apology to the Young Addict, and This River
“Powerful stories of lives lost to ALS are all too common. In our mission to end ALS, our organization recently announced an audacious goal to make ALS a livable disease by 2030. We are grateful to Ray for capturing the spirit of those afflicted with this terrible disease and for his family’s long support of our Ride to Defeat ALS in Massachusetts. Together, we will end ALS.“
–John Hedstrom, Executive Director, ALS Association, MA Chapter
“Ray’s journey of faith is ‘hard faith’ because life’s challenges can be hard, perplexing, and even cruel. . . . Hard faith is God’s persistent or even hard pursuit of a relationship with humans where nothing can keep his transforming power from impacting them. The God Ray reads about in the Scriptures becomes real through this personal journey.“
–Vincent Carbone, teacher, author, and artist
